Okay. We started this process in April and it is almost November. Granted, going into this I understood that we might be waiting/looking for a child for a long time, perhaps even years, but I did not expect to be waiting this long just for our approval letter!
We finished all of our paperwork/background checks/home studies, etc, months ago. There is a very legitimate reason for the delay and it's out of our hands, but I can't help but feel frustrated with this part of the process, if I'm being completely honest. It's the worst place to be for an impatient person such as myself. You see, before I had paperwork to complete/gather and I felt like I was accomplishing something with every item checked off the MASSIVE list. And with our approval, even though we are technically "waiting" I can still be productive in making pass-along cards with our profile link on it, and other such material to help promote ourselves, or actively talking to people and getting out there with our profile. But right now, we're stuck. No letter, no profile to spam the world with!
It's coming and all in due time. I know that my timing is not necessarily the Lord's timing, but I've felt so good about this that I want to continue to move forward. All this stagnancy starts my brain in patterns I'd rather not entertain. I start questioning our decision and enjoying how comfortable life is with just one child who is almost school aged. I start feeling anxious about rounding the 3 year infertility mark and going into 2010 where sadly, the adoptive tax credit is being done away with which means greater expenses in an already tight situation. I'm slowly forgetting that peace that was so firmly in place just a few months ago.
I know in all fairness is hasn't been that long and when I look back someday the wait will feel like nothing. But today it's monumental. Today I want to scream at the top of my lungs and find some relief. Today I want to let the tears flow over my cheeks without shame. Today I want to shout out to the world, "Why can't anything be easy?" Today I want to be able to tell my son that the fourth person he keeps drawing in his family pictures is coming soon. That's today...
Tomorrow I will pick myself back up and find the strength and fortitude to persevere. Tomorrow I will remember my MANY blessings and find that peace again. Tomorrow I will continue on in my every day life with hope in my heart. Tomorrow I'll go to the mailbox with that little prayer in my head and even if I'm disappointed with what I may not find, I'll know that it's coming and there are great things on the horizon...but I'll also know that there are great things right where I'm standing and good things to be done right now...if I have the courage to seek them out.
But today I want to cry...
3 comments:
I LOve you! You have every right to feel all that your feeling in my opinion. You take today and tomorrow too if you need it. You are so strong and give me strength all the time. Some times you just need that "day" to be able to get through all the others.
Again, I love you!
Hey Hon....I'm sorry! I hope you were able to take the time needed and then bounce back. You are my hero if you did and well let's face it....you are anyway! Love ya tons & can't wait to see you! :)
Remember me? We sat together at New Moon last night? :) I just thought I would alert to the fact that I stalked your blog.
I wanted was curious about your pictures (which are GREAT!) and happened upon the fact that you're adopting.
Sam and I adopted all three of our kids. One through foster care and the other two through LDS FS.
So... I know exactly where you're coming from. The 'WAIT' is SO hard.
I'm sure you've heard this so many times that you want to punch the next person who says it...
But.
I know it will all work out for you. One way or another.
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