The End of the Tunnel...

There is a light at the end of the tunnel...finally. Our agent contacted us the other day to set up an appointment in January when he is here in GJ at which time we will be approved! Woohoo! This adoption roller-coaster is not for sissies! We still have a ways to go, but at least we are finally making progress. So, you can all expect lots of annoying emails and postcards here in the near future asking for your open eyes and ears once we begin our "paper pregnancy" - lol!

Limbo...

Okay. We started this process in April and it is almost November. Granted, going into this I understood that we might be waiting/looking for a child for a long time, perhaps even years, but I did not expect to be waiting this long just for our approval letter!

We finished all of our paperwork/background checks/home studies, etc, months ago. There is a very legitimate reason for the delay and it's out of our hands, but I can't help but feel frustrated with this part of the process, if I'm being completely honest. It's the worst place to be for an impatient person such as myself. You see, before I had paperwork to complete/gather and I felt like I was accomplishing something with every item checked off the MASSIVE list. And with our approval, even though we are technically "waiting" I can still be productive in making pass-along cards with our profile link on it, and other such material to help promote ourselves, or actively talking to people and getting out there with our profile. But right now, we're stuck. No letter, no profile to spam the world with!


It's coming and all in due time. I know that my timing is not necessarily the Lord's timing, but I've felt so good about this that I want to continue to move forward. All this stagnancy starts my brain in patterns I'd rather not entertain. I start questioning our decision and enjoying how comfortable life is with just one child who is almost school aged. I start feeling anxious about rounding the 3 year infertility mark and going into 2010 where sadly, the adoptive tax credit is being done away with which means greater expenses in an already tight situation. I'm slowly forgetting that peace that was so firmly in place just a few months ago.

I know in all fairness is hasn't been that long and when I look back someday the wait will feel like nothing. But today it's monumental. Today I want to scream at the top of my lungs and find some relief. Today I want to let the tears flow over my cheeks without shame. Today I want to shout out to the world, "Why can't anything be easy?" Today I want to be able to tell my son that the fourth person he keeps drawing in his family pictures is coming soon. That's today...

Tomorrow I will pick myself back up and find the strength and fortitude to persevere. Tomorrow I will remember my MANY blessings and find that peace again. Tomorrow I will continue on in my every day life with hope in my heart. Tomorrow I'll go to the mailbox with that little prayer in my head and even if I'm disappointed with what I may not find, I'll know that it's coming and there are great things on the horizon...but I'll also know that there are great things right where I'm standing and good things to be done right now...if I have the courage to seek them out.

But today I want to cry...

The Zone...or lack thereof...

Once again I am completely out of my comfort zone and doing things I'd never imagined. Matt and I have been asked to be the representatives/contact couple for FSA (Families Supporting Adoption) for the Western Slope of Colorado. They've assured us that our lack of experience and budding knowledge of the adoptive experience will not be a problem; that we'll learn as we go and have a great support system from the Front Range.

Basically what it entails is creating opportunities for adoptive couples/families in this area to rally together for support, encouragement, experience, and ideas as we are all searching for that special birthmom and the precious gift she is carrying.

Our first task has been putting together a 5th Sunday presentation in our ward for our LDSFS representative to speak about adoption. It's a great opportunity for us as a family to alert people to our situation and get our name and profile out in the community as much as possible. We're still hoping to get our letter of approval any day now (our agent, bless him, has been swamped with cases as of late, and is a little behind).

It's interesting the impressions that come to mind as I've gotten involved in so many things, especially this. I'm not sure where this will lead us or what will follow, but this is where we are for now. So this is what we're focused on and what we'll do our best at. We've been asked for reasons unknown to us, but again we feel it is for a purpose.

The Waiting Game...

Still waiting...not for a child, no, we're not there yet. Waiting for our official approval to be adoptive parents. I know things are moving as fast as they can and there's not a whole lot we can really do right now, but it's a killer going out to the mailbox each day hoping to see THE envelope only to find the box full of bills and ads. Poo! Sadly, the anticipation is almost as bad as wondering whether or not my period is coming each month...though, as time has worn on that anticipation has died down. After three years of let-downs you pretty much don't get your expectations too high anymore! So, instead I've thrown all expectation, anticipation, and other "-ations" into receiving that letter...**sigh**...maybe tomorrow...

Fears...

The last of our paperwork has been turned in. Now we wait for that final approval. It's always a joy spending months digging intimately into our lives; our relationships, our parenting styles, our histories, our past traumas and heartaches, our current heartaches, our families - immediate and extended, our marriage, our personalities and weaknesses, our ability to love and be open, etc, etc...only to have it placed under a microscope, studied, and analyzed by people we don't really know...and who don't really know us. And then wait for them to tell us whether or not we are fit to parent a child.


There have been many times during this process that I have thought to myself (and sometimes out loud!), "Every person should have to go through this process before they are ever allowed to have sex...much less conceive a child." What a different approach to parenting some "less-worthy-in-my-mind" people might take when it comes to the well-being and responsibility of their children. Every day I am more and more aware of what a miracle Chase is and how blessed I am to have him in my life. He truly is a giant ray of sunshine not only to me, but everyone around him.


Because I have such strong emotions when it comes to my son, as mothers naturally do, I wonder and worry sometimes that I may never feel that urgency of emotion toward another child. I've heard it said many times that mothers often worry about having enough love for all of their children, and that when that second child enters their lives thier love just seems to grow, rather than stretch. They comment that they were worried for nothing and that they feel just as strongly about each of their children.

But, human as I am, I wonder if that will happen for me. It's a bit of a different situation. Will I feel that same magnetic pull toward an adopted child as I do toward Chase or is that feeling different because we are tied by blood? Of course I will love an adopted child - and I expect from others' experiences that that bond may be immediate or it may take time - though either way it will happen. But having had the experience of carrying a child and all that entails/creates I worry that even as level-headed and aware as I can be, that unintentionally I may favor Chase over another child.


I'm aware that this is a common fear and that people get past it and look back at it and laugh...and I'm sure someday that will be me as well. But as all things are, especially this process, it is a journey. And like any journey we make, it isn't point A or point B that defines us...it's all the steps in between.

Getting Close...

Last night Matt and I spent the evening answering the rest of our questionaires and filling out forms online. We created our online profile and it won't be long before it goes live! We just have our CORE training to do next week and then waiting for our background checks to come back.

It's funny how once you are on the right path Satan does everything he can to thwart your efforts. For instance, we had a goal to have everything on our part turned in and ready to go by the date of our CORE training, which is July 17th. When we set that goal we had a fair amount of time. Then I was given the job of coordinating all of the art for the new hospital opening in Fruita. It was a great opportunity and I was thrilled to be a part of it, but it has been challenging and very time consuming...and of course, the deadline for the artwork is ALSO the 17th! And on top of all that I had the opportunity to spend time with one of my best friends and then there was the four-day weekend we spent on the mountain enjoying some well-deserved time off for Matthew.

Needless to say, putting our adoption paperwork together for our deadline has kind of fallen by the wayside, as it was the one thing that could ultimately be delayed without tangible consequence. And that's just how Satan does things, isn't it? Uses the things we love to occupy all of our time...I've discovered that being "busy" is one of Satan's greatest tools. We have to be careful not to confuse "being busy" with "not being idle" - they are easily mixed up and one is good and the other is an obstacle.

Now I'm not saying that any of the things that have taken up my time have been bad. They were all very worthwhile endeavors, but I let them consume me and shift my priority list. But I have recognized it for what it is and now I am back on track moving forward with our paperwork. I know the Lord is behind us in this effort as I feel Him nudging us on, comforting our self-doubt and easing our stress levels. It is such a comfort and it brings me back to that element of peace I had posted about before.

We are getting so close...then it's on to the active waiting game! ;-)

Vote on it...

I went to pick up Chase from his Sunday School class yesterday and his teacher informed me that Chase had mentioned that we were going to be adding to our family. I explained that we are adopting and she laughed and said, "Chase said you guys were voting!" I love this kid! You never know what's going to come out of his mouth.

Scrapbooking and Inspiration...

The other night I was hosting our ward's RS scrapbooking night. With it being JUCO week and the start of summer around here I wasn't expecting much of a turn out. In fact, only one lady showed up. At first I was kind of bummed because secretly I was hoping for a no show evening so I could head to the JUCO game myself, but I was a good girl and did what I was supposed to do. I'm so glad I did.

This particular sister was one I hadn't gotten a chance to get to know very well. Being in primary I don't know many of the sisters that are outside of primary ;-). It turns out that this lady works with my sister for the county and she works closely with the foster and adoption programs. She and her husband had actually adopted one of their children and had sooooo much experience and wisdom to share. We spent all evening talking about some of the more emotional experiences and situations that can arise with an adopted child and how she's dealt with it. We also talked about the amazing circumstances in which these children are guided into loving homes.

There are so many children out there who are living in desperate situations and they all deserve a chance...at any age. I'm more and more convinced that, though an infant would be great, we are meant to adopt a child perhaps a little older. We won't (nor do they recommend to) adopt anyone older than Chase, he needs to maintain his niche and feel secure within it, but we feel there is such an age gap because there's a specific opening for a toddler. Like I've said before, it's not a self-declared prophecy or anything, just a thought, an inkling if you will...but I've been known to be wrong! The second I start to think I know what the Lord is planning for me He reminds me of how little I truly know or understand! ;-) FAITH, right??

Anyway - long story short (too late, I know) - I was so happy to have this wonderful woman in my home and to have her all to myself. It's the little reassurances such as that scrapbooking evening that keeps me thinking that we are on the right path...

Rules of Engagement...

This week Matt and I were happy to receive the news that some of our loved ones (won't divulge names in case it's not public info yet!) are expecting new arrivals in their families. We couldn't be more happy for them both...and I hope they don't mind me using them as material for this post, as it is intended to shed a positive light on certain subjects rather than offer offenses...so bear with me...

One of the phone calls we received this afternoon was from someone we'll call Jane. ;-) After the phone call I received an email from Jane offering an apology for having to tell us about it, but feeling the news should come from her. I was saddened at this email because I know that Jane, too, has struggled in conceiving their second child and this should be such a happy occasion, not something that needed to be apologized for! I called her and we talked and all is well, but it got me thinking. This is not the first time that something similar has happened.

Here is an interesting tidbit of info: in the two and a half years that Matt and I have been trying to conceive our second child almost all (I can only think of one exception right off the top of my head) of our close married friends (and I'd like to think we're fairly popular - tee hee) have either had or announced the arrival of a new baby...some of them have even had 2...and some 4 (ANN!)! Anyways - my point is, life doesn't stop just because WE'RE not getting anywhere in that department!

This blog is meant to be honest and open, so I'm not going to paint some perfect little picture in which I'm the happy little girl who's never bothered by anything and never thinks ill of people or circumstances, etc, etc...I'm human...almost too human some days! There are days in which it hurts immensely to see people take for granted how easily they can become pregnant, or not realize the amazing gift they have sitting before them in the form of a child. But I'm learning more and more that for every one of those people that take their blessings for granted there are just as many that are struggling the same as we are...and many of them are people I know and love deeply.

There are some people that affix "rules" when conversing with those struggling with fertility, suggesting that you avoid certain topics or not discuss your everyday struggles with your own children. I could see where that neccessity might seem important to some, and each case is different, or that it is a more compassionate approach, but I disagree. All that does is suggest that we are so emotionally unstable that we need the crutch of avoided conversations and pity and that our problems are more important than yours. We are all struggling with something in our lives, let's be real. And by victimizing myself and wallowing in my struggle I'm not helping myself or being the friend I know I am.

Is it hard to talk about? Sometimes, though it's getting easier everyday with practice - I'm happy to share what I'm learning and how I feel about it all. It's therapeutic for me and it just might help someone else...and I'm learning so much more from other people who have been through the same thing. Being sensitive to a conversation doesn't mean you have to avoid it. Is it hard to watch people getting pregnant around me? Sure - some are easier to be happy for than others ;-) - but life continues forward and it doesn't do anyone any good to be angry about it, least of all me, so I've discovered.

Some might suggest that I have a great attitude toward all of this, but I can assure you it wasn't always the case...and even now some days are tough to get through. There was a day, clearly remembered, at which I reached my breaking point. All of the pieces of the puzzle were there, I just couldn't figure out which way they were supposed to fit together. But sometimes you have to hit your breaking point before you can trust that by taking only one piece at a time the Master will guide your hand and put that piece right where it belongs. And finally having seen that element to this challenge I have peace.

Peace - it's what I'm going off of. Each decision, each step forward, no matter how against my "plan" or "timeline" it may seem now, if it's accompanied by that same peace I felt after that tearful breaking point, then it's okay. As I told Jane this evening, I feel now very strongly that each of us has a divine purpose in this life and it is often accompanied by specific moments that we need to be a part of. We are literally meant to cross each others' paths in this life to aid, to teach, or to comfort each other whether we are aware of our influence or not. And I feel that this next child is ultimately destined to be a part of our family, but the Lord has asked them to be a part of someone else's life first.

So - for those of you that have felt, do feel, or may feel in the future, like Jane, worried about hurting us or making us feel bad with your good news, please, there is no need. Yes, it can be emotional (but remember who you are talking to - I still cry at Sylvan Learning Center commercials!), but it does not mean that we are not thrilled for you, nor do we EVER want to diminish your joy by adding worry or guilt. We love you all and we are confident that we are on the right path for us. I am quite comfortable with our decision and the road that accompanies it. We are happy and excited for the future. And we are happy for you, too!

Ding Dong Ditching...

We are still in the early stages of the adoption process...aka: PAPERWORK! We've been filling out countless questionaires on paper and online about ourselves, our parenting techniques, our family life and history, and all of the wonderful things associated with the details of our lives. In these questionaires they've asked us how we have or plan to tell the children in our home about our decision to adopt. We thought it over and decided since he was probably going to overhear a lot of conversations about the process, we should go ahead and tell Chase early on and see what his reaction would be. So, we sat him down one night after he had been asking again about how his friends had siblings and we talked a bit about adoption. Granted, we didn't go into all the details or the reasons why we were taking this road, but he was so excited and accepting. He could care less HOW his little brother or sister came into our family, so long as they make it here. So the other day when the UPS guy rang the doorbell Chase came sprinting to the door yelling, "Maybe it's our new baby!" LOL! Yeah - we had another chat about how long it might be before our new addition arrives and how it probably wouldn't be arriving UPS (Fedex is WAY faster!)...

These kids are so remarkable and such a great reminder of what really is important in this life. Now I can't relate to someone who has never had a child of their own, as I have had the extreme gift of carrying a child, but as I've traveled along this path, I've felt my selfishness of wanting to carry another one melt away. It's like the further we go toward adoption, the more at ease I feel about it. My inklings about the final family picture is interesting, and not one I ever really pictured before - I don't think anyone pictures themselves as having fertility problems and we all enter this stage of our lives with our teenage perspective of cute little babies to dress up and being the prettiest and most adorable pregnant woman alive! You know? I'm starting to believe that the masterpiece that is being constructed, though difficult to paint, and sometimes even more difficult to see, will be far superior to my teenaged stick-figure drawing!