Hoping for Mistakes...

**As you read this post, realize it's coming from me, and imperfect soul, in no way chosen to represent anyone in any way. I'm simply writing what I've felt and have tried to do it with the utmost compassion and understanding.



As I've been waiting for this little guy to make his appearance in the world I've been pondering some of the things I've actually been pondering since we first found out we had been chosen by a birthmother. A friend of mine who had adopted once said she always felt so bad hoping that some girl somewhere would make such a big mistake in her life so that she (my friend) could benefit by it. I'd always sympathized with that statement, but it never set well with me.

I'm not sure what about it was off for me, but it just didn't ring true in my heart. As this process has unfolded and as we've gotten to know our birthmother (again, we'll call her Heather) and her situation, I've felt more and more like these situations don't happen by accident or mistake.

Since my own experience is what I know best, let's examine a couple of interesting coincidences:

Heather is 19. With the exception of her looks, she's me, ten years younger. Very similar interests, quirks, personalities, taste in music and movies, sarcasm, etc...even down to the way we like our spaghetti...without sauce - just butter and salt (or parmesan). Heather herself said that her situation was so out of her character. The father was not a boyfriend or anyone special, it was just one of those stupid moments where our judgement is so off and we allow ourselves to be in situations we know we should run from (this does not excuse what we know are serious mistakes, I'm just laying things out as they are, with compassion as a fellow human being who is in no way perfect). They used protection and she was on birth control. She even used the morning after pill. So when she discovered that she was pregant she knew this baby was supposed to be here. But she also felt that it was not hers and has since felt strongly as though this were a surrogate pregnancy.

Now, let's re-cap our own situation. Matt and I have been unsuccessful at having another child for over 3 years. We've been tested and tried multiple "fixes" but everything has come out with the result that there's nothing "wrong" with either of us, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to have a child, it's just not happening. We had two options (as finances dictated that we could only pursue one): we could look into greater medical intervention, or we could look into adoption. We decided to check out adoption, since gathering information at that point was free. I didn't expect it to be the answer. But it was. It wasn't long before we knew deep down that this was what we were supposed to do. Now.

What we know: the Lord did not send us here to earth to chillax on the beach and live our lives from one tasty treat to the next. We knew that before we even got here. We were here to be tested, strengthened, to learn how to be happy...and that doesn't happen by lounging around. We were going to face trials, obstacles, temptations, disappointments, anguish, and fear. But we knew that it would all lead to greater joy, happiness, love and peace than we could ever imagine. It is also believed that we knew many of the things we would face before we came, that we agreed to and in some cases even chose the trials we would endure - I like to think of them as our personal missions.

So when I add these elements together, I am apt to believe that there is a little more to it than a coincidental mistake with a coincidental solution. Here's what I think (take all things with a grain of salt, allowing for differences in situation, knowing that this is all "from the Book of Monica"...): the Lord knew we, as imperfect mortals, would succumb to temptations, we would make mistakes. His plan reaches farther than simply repentance and forgiveness, He's also made it possible to turn mistakes and trials into blessings, if we have the courage to go through with it.

As I've traveled this road I've felt a connection with Heather unlike others I've known. It's as though she and I knew long before we came to this earth that our lives would be dependent on the other's in bringing forth the blessings we needed. Like we'd each agreed to take on the trial that would ultimately bless the other. In our case, we would take on the trial and challenge of infertility; the emotional torture that goes along with it, the heartache, the hopelessness, the confusion, and anger and do our best to listen to the Spirit to be guided to her. She, in turn, would take on the incredible trial of making a serious mistake, going through heart wrenching repentance, and then making a sacrifice few are strong enough or courageous enough to endure, by selflessly giving this child what she physically could not provide at the time he came into the world. We knew we would find each other. We knew we would be the hope for the other. And we knew that each of our lives would be greatly blessed by the other's help in "solving" our individual situation.

That, to me, does not feel coincidental. Nor does it feel as though I'm hoping for someone out there to make a big mistake so I can benefit. We started on this adoptive road feeling like we had to "market" ourselves and make our profile perfect to lure in a birthmother to be chosen....but it wasn't long into things when we discovered that's not at all what it was about. This was not a random operation. It didn't matter how pretty we were, how organized our thoughts were, or how perfect our profile was. The child that was supposed to be in our home and lives was a specific being and the Lord would guide that birthmother to us, and us to her. We just had to have faith and let the Lord do what He needed to do to align our lives at the right moment. It's waiting for that moment that is hard, not finding the right child. There it is again: patience.

Maybe it all sounds really childish, a wishful, happy clean-up party in what's ultimately a chaotic mess of a world, and perhaps it is. But a mindful Father in Heaven who pieces the events of our lives together with great delicacy and intention seems to ring a little more true to me than one who throws his hand in the air and says, "Woohoo! How convenient was that?!? Bonus!"

I dunno...

GJ Soccer Club is Gonna Get an Earful!!!

For purposes regarding this post, we're calling our "baby mama" Heather.....

So yesterday the GJ Soccer Club was making pre-recorded phone calls to advertise their 3vs3 tournament coming up this weekend. Normally not a problem, but when you are awaiting a very life changing phone call any day your heart does this flip thing each time the phone rings.

So my cell phone rings. *heart flip* And the display says "no data". *heart flip again - perhaps she's calling from the hospital* And then I answer it to hear, "Hi!! It's Heather!!..." *heart flip with a 360 double twist layout* And then I hear "...from the GJ Soccer Club calling to invite you...blah, blah, blah..." *heart still hanging out in my throat at this point*


Needless to say, I'm a little on edge right now.

The Wait...

Oh, goodness. I have so many thoughts to post as I have been terrible about keeping this blog up to date. Granted, life has been a bit busy as of late, so really, all of my blogs are behind...

For my own OCD reasons, let's look at my thoughts piece by piece.

TIME

Time. It's what we all wish we had more of, would go faster, would slow down, would stand still, etc. I'm no different. Ever since we got the news that we had been chosen, time has been the ultimate factor. I was happy to have things to take up my time, and then I was running out of time, and then my time was being taken up by the things I didnt want to be spending my time on, and now time is creeping by, even though I still have plenty of things I could be doing with it as a distraction.

THE HOUSE

My mother-in-law quotes an old Chinese proverb that is very fitting to us - I can't remember excatly how it goes, but it's something like this: Man build house, man happy...man finish house, man die. It's so true. We are never without a project. It's not that our house is falling down around us or something, rather we just see greater potential and have a hard time leaving it alone. Right now it's a matter of space. You'd think 3 bedrooms would be sufficient, but it's not. We don't have a big house and we are discovering the limitations quickly. So we've been improvising and rearranging our spaces to accomodate our needs. That includes having built a shed, moving office/scrapbooking to a nice cozy spot in the garage, new arrangements in our closet to free up a dresser for the baby, and putting together the baby's room.

We've built the shed, but it still needs some finishing touches so we can move Matt's tools, etc out there and free up some space in the garage. Which means the office/scrapbooking stuff is sitting in the middle of the living room. The closet is in good shape and the dresser moved to the baby's room, which is also pretty much ready to go. I just need to put the rest of the house back in order...which I'm hoping to do this week to occupy my time...there it is again, time.

TAGS

We've been gathering the necessities. Nothing more. We do have the nursery pretty well put together, but we're basically starting over from scratch. I haven't wanted to go out and buy a whole bunch of things until I knew for sure that this baby was really coming home with us. I've bought what I needed for the first week or so and that's about it....well, except for clothes - I'm a sucker for clothes and have found some great deals! But, in an attempt to protect my heart, I haven't cut any tags from anything other than that first week's worth of supplies. Everything else is still in it's box or affixed with a tag...just in case. But the closer to due date we get, the more I realize that no matter how little I prepare or how objective I am about the whole thing, if we come home empty handed I'm going to be heart broken. Severely.

DOUBT

I'm starting to feel it creep in here and there. I'd say it's just my heart protecting itself by preparing me for the possibility of disappointment, but lately I've felt as though I recognize a certain presence in my doubts. Satan. He did the same thing to me just before Matt and I were married. It's scary how well he knows me and what to plant in my head to make my thoughts drown in apprehension and fear. He's trying to cripple my faith. I'd thought that might be the case as my doubts would cause me tears and anxiety, but it was confirmed yesterday in Primary.

Matt and I had been fasting yesterday and, naturally, I began my fast with a prayer. I usually pray in the shower. Odd, I know, but it's one of the few places where I can be completely alone, without interruption, and have little distraction. I can take my time and pray with sincerity. As I was pouring out my heart about my fears and apprehensions, my desires and lack of time/energy/motivation to accomplish the things I wanted to complete before the baby comes, my mind was drawn to one of my favorite scriptures in Psalms (also repeated in D&C)... "Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10 & D&C 101:16). I'd like to take that scripture someday and make a decorative sign for my home - it's very dear to my heart and whispers peace to me each time I read it. It reminds me that all the chaos I'm harboring in my mind and body is unnecesary; to simply turn my heart to the Lord and find peace and comfort in His wisdom, knowing that He has a plan for me if I'll just let go and let Him take my hand.

I was finished with singing time and so I sat in the back listening to the sharing time lesson, as I often do. Josie was talking about the miracle of Christ calming the seas and she was reading in Mark 4:39-40, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"

It was as though the Lord was speaking directly to me in that primary room. After all that I've been through and after the immense blessings we've received, how is it that I have no faith? And so, depsite the uncut tags, the fears, and the desire to protect my feeble heart, I must proceed with faith that all will be fine. There is a plan. The right thing will happen. Have faith.