The Wait...

Oh, goodness. I have so many thoughts to post as I have been terrible about keeping this blog up to date. Granted, life has been a bit busy as of late, so really, all of my blogs are behind...

For my own OCD reasons, let's look at my thoughts piece by piece.

TIME

Time. It's what we all wish we had more of, would go faster, would slow down, would stand still, etc. I'm no different. Ever since we got the news that we had been chosen, time has been the ultimate factor. I was happy to have things to take up my time, and then I was running out of time, and then my time was being taken up by the things I didnt want to be spending my time on, and now time is creeping by, even though I still have plenty of things I could be doing with it as a distraction.

THE HOUSE

My mother-in-law quotes an old Chinese proverb that is very fitting to us - I can't remember excatly how it goes, but it's something like this: Man build house, man happy...man finish house, man die. It's so true. We are never without a project. It's not that our house is falling down around us or something, rather we just see greater potential and have a hard time leaving it alone. Right now it's a matter of space. You'd think 3 bedrooms would be sufficient, but it's not. We don't have a big house and we are discovering the limitations quickly. So we've been improvising and rearranging our spaces to accomodate our needs. That includes having built a shed, moving office/scrapbooking to a nice cozy spot in the garage, new arrangements in our closet to free up a dresser for the baby, and putting together the baby's room.

We've built the shed, but it still needs some finishing touches so we can move Matt's tools, etc out there and free up some space in the garage. Which means the office/scrapbooking stuff is sitting in the middle of the living room. The closet is in good shape and the dresser moved to the baby's room, which is also pretty much ready to go. I just need to put the rest of the house back in order...which I'm hoping to do this week to occupy my time...there it is again, time.

TAGS

We've been gathering the necessities. Nothing more. We do have the nursery pretty well put together, but we're basically starting over from scratch. I haven't wanted to go out and buy a whole bunch of things until I knew for sure that this baby was really coming home with us. I've bought what I needed for the first week or so and that's about it....well, except for clothes - I'm a sucker for clothes and have found some great deals! But, in an attempt to protect my heart, I haven't cut any tags from anything other than that first week's worth of supplies. Everything else is still in it's box or affixed with a tag...just in case. But the closer to due date we get, the more I realize that no matter how little I prepare or how objective I am about the whole thing, if we come home empty handed I'm going to be heart broken. Severely.

DOUBT

I'm starting to feel it creep in here and there. I'd say it's just my heart protecting itself by preparing me for the possibility of disappointment, but lately I've felt as though I recognize a certain presence in my doubts. Satan. He did the same thing to me just before Matt and I were married. It's scary how well he knows me and what to plant in my head to make my thoughts drown in apprehension and fear. He's trying to cripple my faith. I'd thought that might be the case as my doubts would cause me tears and anxiety, but it was confirmed yesterday in Primary.

Matt and I had been fasting yesterday and, naturally, I began my fast with a prayer. I usually pray in the shower. Odd, I know, but it's one of the few places where I can be completely alone, without interruption, and have little distraction. I can take my time and pray with sincerity. As I was pouring out my heart about my fears and apprehensions, my desires and lack of time/energy/motivation to accomplish the things I wanted to complete before the baby comes, my mind was drawn to one of my favorite scriptures in Psalms (also repeated in D&C)... "Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10 & D&C 101:16). I'd like to take that scripture someday and make a decorative sign for my home - it's very dear to my heart and whispers peace to me each time I read it. It reminds me that all the chaos I'm harboring in my mind and body is unnecesary; to simply turn my heart to the Lord and find peace and comfort in His wisdom, knowing that He has a plan for me if I'll just let go and let Him take my hand.

I was finished with singing time and so I sat in the back listening to the sharing time lesson, as I often do. Josie was talking about the miracle of Christ calming the seas and she was reading in Mark 4:39-40, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"

It was as though the Lord was speaking directly to me in that primary room. After all that I've been through and after the immense blessings we've received, how is it that I have no faith? And so, depsite the uncut tags, the fears, and the desire to protect my feeble heart, I must proceed with faith that all will be fine. There is a plan. The right thing will happen. Have faith.