Thursday, August 12, 2010
Hoping for Mistakes...
**As you read this post, realize it's coming from me, and imperfect soul, in no way chosen to represent anyone in any way. I'm simply writing what I've felt and have tried to do it with the utmost compassion and understanding.
As I've been waiting for this little guy to make his appearance in the world I've been pondering some of the things I've actually been pondering since we first found out we had been chosen by a birthmother. A friend of mine who had adopted once said she always felt so bad hoping that some girl somewhere would make such a big mistake in her life so that she (my friend) could benefit by it. I'd always sympathized with that statement, but it never set well with me.
I'm not sure what about it was off for me, but it just didn't ring true in my heart. As this process has unfolded and as we've gotten to know our birthmother (again, we'll call her Heather) and her situation, I've felt more and more like these situations don't happen by accident or mistake.
Since my own experience is what I know best, let's examine a couple of interesting coincidences:
Heather is 19. With the exception of her looks, she's me, ten years younger. Very similar interests, quirks, personalities, taste in music and movies, sarcasm, etc...even down to the way we like our spaghetti...without sauce - just butter and salt (or parmesan). Heather herself said that her situation was so out of her character. The father was not a boyfriend or anyone special, it was just one of those stupid moments where our judgement is so off and we allow ourselves to be in situations we know we should run from (this does not excuse what we know are serious mistakes, I'm just laying things out as they are, with compassion as a fellow human being who is in no way perfect). They used protection and she was on birth control. She even used the morning after pill. So when she discovered that she was pregant she knew this baby was supposed to be here. But she also felt that it was not hers and has since felt strongly as though this were a surrogate pregnancy.
Now, let's re-cap our own situation. Matt and I have been unsuccessful at having another child for over 3 years. We've been tested and tried multiple "fixes" but everything has come out with the result that there's nothing "wrong" with either of us, there's no reason we shouldn't be able to have a child, it's just not happening. We had two options (as finances dictated that we could only pursue one): we could look into greater medical intervention, or we could look into adoption. We decided to check out adoption, since gathering information at that point was free. I didn't expect it to be the answer. But it was. It wasn't long before we knew deep down that this was what we were supposed to do. Now.
What we know: the Lord did not send us here to earth to chillax on the beach and live our lives from one tasty treat to the next. We knew that before we even got here. We were here to be tested, strengthened, to learn how to be happy...and that doesn't happen by lounging around. We were going to face trials, obstacles, temptations, disappointments, anguish, and fear. But we knew that it would all lead to greater joy, happiness, love and peace than we could ever imagine. It is also believed that we knew many of the things we would face before we came, that we agreed to and in some cases even chose the trials we would endure - I like to think of them as our personal missions.
So when I add these elements together, I am apt to believe that there is a little more to it than a coincidental mistake with a coincidental solution. Here's what I think (take all things with a grain of salt, allowing for differences in situation, knowing that this is all "from the Book of Monica"...): the Lord knew we, as imperfect mortals, would succumb to temptations, we would make mistakes. His plan reaches farther than simply repentance and forgiveness, He's also made it possible to turn mistakes and trials into blessings, if we have the courage to go through with it.
As I've traveled this road I've felt a connection with Heather unlike others I've known. It's as though she and I knew long before we came to this earth that our lives would be dependent on the other's in bringing forth the blessings we needed. Like we'd each agreed to take on the trial that would ultimately bless the other. In our case, we would take on the trial and challenge of infertility; the emotional torture that goes along with it, the heartache, the hopelessness, the confusion, and anger and do our best to listen to the Spirit to be guided to her. She, in turn, would take on the incredible trial of making a serious mistake, going through heart wrenching repentance, and then making a sacrifice few are strong enough or courageous enough to endure, by selflessly giving this child what she physically could not provide at the time he came into the world. We knew we would find each other. We knew we would be the hope for the other. And we knew that each of our lives would be greatly blessed by the other's help in "solving" our individual situation.
That, to me, does not feel coincidental. Nor does it feel as though I'm hoping for someone out there to make a big mistake so I can benefit. We started on this adoptive road feeling like we had to "market" ourselves and make our profile perfect to lure in a birthmother to be chosen....but it wasn't long into things when we discovered that's not at all what it was about. This was not a random operation. It didn't matter how pretty we were, how organized our thoughts were, or how perfect our profile was. The child that was supposed to be in our home and lives was a specific being and the Lord would guide that birthmother to us, and us to her. We just had to have faith and let the Lord do what He needed to do to align our lives at the right moment. It's waiting for that moment that is hard, not finding the right child. There it is again: patience.
Maybe it all sounds really childish, a wishful, happy clean-up party in what's ultimately a chaotic mess of a world, and perhaps it is. But a mindful Father in Heaven who pieces the events of our lives together with great delicacy and intention seems to ring a little more true to me than one who throws his hand in the air and says, "Woohoo! How convenient was that?!? Bonus!"
I dunno...
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
GJ Soccer Club is Gonna Get an Earful!!!
For purposes regarding this post, we're calling our "baby mama" Heather.....
So yesterday the GJ Soccer Club was making pre-recorded phone calls to advertise their 3vs3 tournament coming up this weekend. Normally not a problem, but when you are awaiting a very life changing phone call any day your heart does this flip thing each time the phone rings.
So my cell phone rings. *heart flip* And the display says "no data". *heart flip again - perhaps she's calling from the hospital* And then I answer it to hear, "Hi!! It's Heather!!..." *heart flip with a 360 double twist layout* And then I hear "...from the GJ Soccer Club calling to invite you...blah, blah, blah..." *heart still hanging out in my throat at this point*
Needless to say, I'm a little on edge right now.
So yesterday the GJ Soccer Club was making pre-recorded phone calls to advertise their 3vs3 tournament coming up this weekend. Normally not a problem, but when you are awaiting a very life changing phone call any day your heart does this flip thing each time the phone rings.
So my cell phone rings. *heart flip* And the display says "no data". *heart flip again - perhaps she's calling from the hospital* And then I answer it to hear, "Hi!! It's Heather!!..." *heart flip with a 360 double twist layout* And then I hear "...from the GJ Soccer Club calling to invite you...blah, blah, blah..." *heart still hanging out in my throat at this point*
Needless to say, I'm a little on edge right now.
Monday, August 2, 2010
The Wait...
Oh, goodness. I have so many thoughts to post as I have been terrible about keeping this blog up to date. Granted, life has been a bit busy as of late, so really, all of my blogs are behind...
For my own OCD reasons, let's look at my thoughts piece by piece.
TIME
Time. It's what we all wish we had more of, would go faster, would slow down, would stand still, etc. I'm no different. Ever since we got the news that we had been chosen, time has been the ultimate factor. I was happy to have things to take up my time, and then I was running out of time, and then my time was being taken up by the things I didnt want to be spending my time on, and now time is creeping by, even though I still have plenty of things I could be doing with it as a distraction.
THE HOUSE
My mother-in-law quotes an old Chinese proverb that is very fitting to us - I can't remember excatly how it goes, but it's something like this: Man build house, man happy...man finish house, man die. It's so true. We are never without a project. It's not that our house is falling down around us or something, rather we just see greater potential and have a hard time leaving it alone. Right now it's a matter of space. You'd think 3 bedrooms would be sufficient, but it's not. We don't have a big house and we are discovering the limitations quickly. So we've been improvising and rearranging our spaces to accomodate our needs. That includes having built a shed, moving office/scrapbooking to a nice cozy spot in the garage, new arrangements in our closet to free up a dresser for the baby, and putting together the baby's room.
We've built the shed, but it still needs some finishing touches so we can move Matt's tools, etc out there and free up some space in the garage. Which means the office/scrapbooking stuff is sitting in the middle of the living room. The closet is in good shape and the dresser moved to the baby's room, which is also pretty much ready to go. I just need to put the rest of the house back in order...which I'm hoping to do this week to occupy my time...there it is again, time.
TAGS
We've been gathering the necessities. Nothing more. We do have the nursery pretty well put together, but we're basically starting over from scratch. I haven't wanted to go out and buy a whole bunch of things until I knew for sure that this baby was really coming home with us. I've bought what I needed for the first week or so and that's about it....well, except for clothes - I'm a sucker for clothes and have found some great deals! But, in an attempt to protect my heart, I haven't cut any tags from anything other than that first week's worth of supplies. Everything else is still in it's box or affixed with a tag...just in case. But the closer to due date we get, the more I realize that no matter how little I prepare or how objective I am about the whole thing, if we come home empty handed I'm going to be heart broken. Severely.
DOUBT
I'm starting to feel it creep in here and there. I'd say it's just my heart protecting itself by preparing me for the possibility of disappointment, but lately I've felt as though I recognize a certain presence in my doubts. Satan. He did the same thing to me just before Matt and I were married. It's scary how well he knows me and what to plant in my head to make my thoughts drown in apprehension and fear. He's trying to cripple my faith. I'd thought that might be the case as my doubts would cause me tears and anxiety, but it was confirmed yesterday in Primary.
Matt and I had been fasting yesterday and, naturally, I began my fast with a prayer. I usually pray in the shower. Odd, I know, but it's one of the few places where I can be completely alone, without interruption, and have little distraction. I can take my time and pray with sincerity. As I was pouring out my heart about my fears and apprehensions, my desires and lack of time/energy/motivation to accomplish the things I wanted to complete before the baby comes, my mind was drawn to one of my favorite scriptures in Psalms (also repeated in D&C)... "Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10 & D&C 101:16). I'd like to take that scripture someday and make a decorative sign for my home - it's very dear to my heart and whispers peace to me each time I read it. It reminds me that all the chaos I'm harboring in my mind and body is unnecesary; to simply turn my heart to the Lord and find peace and comfort in His wisdom, knowing that He has a plan for me if I'll just let go and let Him take my hand.
I was finished with singing time and so I sat in the back listening to the sharing time lesson, as I often do. Josie was talking about the miracle of Christ calming the seas and she was reading in Mark 4:39-40, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"
It was as though the Lord was speaking directly to me in that primary room. After all that I've been through and after the immense blessings we've received, how is it that I have no faith? And so, depsite the uncut tags, the fears, and the desire to protect my feeble heart, I must proceed with faith that all will be fine. There is a plan. The right thing will happen. Have faith.
For my own OCD reasons, let's look at my thoughts piece by piece.
TIME
Time. It's what we all wish we had more of, would go faster, would slow down, would stand still, etc. I'm no different. Ever since we got the news that we had been chosen, time has been the ultimate factor. I was happy to have things to take up my time, and then I was running out of time, and then my time was being taken up by the things I didnt want to be spending my time on, and now time is creeping by, even though I still have plenty of things I could be doing with it as a distraction.
THE HOUSE
My mother-in-law quotes an old Chinese proverb that is very fitting to us - I can't remember excatly how it goes, but it's something like this: Man build house, man happy...man finish house, man die. It's so true. We are never without a project. It's not that our house is falling down around us or something, rather we just see greater potential and have a hard time leaving it alone. Right now it's a matter of space. You'd think 3 bedrooms would be sufficient, but it's not. We don't have a big house and we are discovering the limitations quickly. So we've been improvising and rearranging our spaces to accomodate our needs. That includes having built a shed, moving office/scrapbooking to a nice cozy spot in the garage, new arrangements in our closet to free up a dresser for the baby, and putting together the baby's room.
We've built the shed, but it still needs some finishing touches so we can move Matt's tools, etc out there and free up some space in the garage. Which means the office/scrapbooking stuff is sitting in the middle of the living room. The closet is in good shape and the dresser moved to the baby's room, which is also pretty much ready to go. I just need to put the rest of the house back in order...which I'm hoping to do this week to occupy my time...there it is again, time.
TAGS
We've been gathering the necessities. Nothing more. We do have the nursery pretty well put together, but we're basically starting over from scratch. I haven't wanted to go out and buy a whole bunch of things until I knew for sure that this baby was really coming home with us. I've bought what I needed for the first week or so and that's about it....well, except for clothes - I'm a sucker for clothes and have found some great deals! But, in an attempt to protect my heart, I haven't cut any tags from anything other than that first week's worth of supplies. Everything else is still in it's box or affixed with a tag...just in case. But the closer to due date we get, the more I realize that no matter how little I prepare or how objective I am about the whole thing, if we come home empty handed I'm going to be heart broken. Severely.
DOUBT
I'm starting to feel it creep in here and there. I'd say it's just my heart protecting itself by preparing me for the possibility of disappointment, but lately I've felt as though I recognize a certain presence in my doubts. Satan. He did the same thing to me just before Matt and I were married. It's scary how well he knows me and what to plant in my head to make my thoughts drown in apprehension and fear. He's trying to cripple my faith. I'd thought that might be the case as my doubts would cause me tears and anxiety, but it was confirmed yesterday in Primary.
Matt and I had been fasting yesterday and, naturally, I began my fast with a prayer. I usually pray in the shower. Odd, I know, but it's one of the few places where I can be completely alone, without interruption, and have little distraction. I can take my time and pray with sincerity. As I was pouring out my heart about my fears and apprehensions, my desires and lack of time/energy/motivation to accomplish the things I wanted to complete before the baby comes, my mind was drawn to one of my favorite scriptures in Psalms (also repeated in D&C)... "Be still and know that I am God..." (Ps 46:10 & D&C 101:16). I'd like to take that scripture someday and make a decorative sign for my home - it's very dear to my heart and whispers peace to me each time I read it. It reminds me that all the chaos I'm harboring in my mind and body is unnecesary; to simply turn my heart to the Lord and find peace and comfort in His wisdom, knowing that He has a plan for me if I'll just let go and let Him take my hand.
I was finished with singing time and so I sat in the back listening to the sharing time lesson, as I often do. Josie was talking about the miracle of Christ calming the seas and she was reading in Mark 4:39-40, "And he arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still. And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. And he said unto them, Why are ye so fearful? how is it that ye have no faith?"
It was as though the Lord was speaking directly to me in that primary room. After all that I've been through and after the immense blessings we've received, how is it that I have no faith? And so, depsite the uncut tags, the fears, and the desire to protect my feeble heart, I must proceed with faith that all will be fine. There is a plan. The right thing will happen. Have faith.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Baby Names...
We are at a loss for names. I've come up with a few that I like for one reason or another, but nothing seems to stand out as "the one." So, for my few readers out there...suggestions would be welcome! We're looking for a name that is strong/confident, slightly unique, but not weird or easily made fun of. Trying to steer clear of super popular names (we thought we were doing good with Chase when we named him, but apparently we were just starting a new trend...oh, well - it totally fits him!).
Here are the ones I currently have on the list (even if Matt isn't aware they are ON the list...lol):
Emmett
Bowie (Bo)
Rhett
Eland
Sawyer
Having listed these I realize I have openly submitted my choices to criticism...that's okay. We all have different opinions, and quite frankly, half the names I'd picked out for Chase's "list" I absolutely hate now...so take my list with a grain of salt, and be kind! lol
Open to suggestions, ya'll! Fortunately we've got time!
Here are the ones I currently have on the list (even if Matt isn't aware they are ON the list...lol):
Emmett
Bowie (Bo)
Rhett
Eland
Sawyer
Having listed these I realize I have openly submitted my choices to criticism...that's okay. We all have different opinions, and quite frankly, half the names I'd picked out for Chase's "list" I absolutely hate now...so take my list with a grain of salt, and be kind! lol
Open to suggestions, ya'll! Fortunately we've got time!
Blind Date...
This last weekend we were able to go down to Moab to meet the birthmother of our new baby (we're going to call her Beth, just to make typing a little easier) and her parents. What a trip! First off, I've been able to email, text, and talk to Beth and we've been chatting back and forth. I've saved all of the emails and I love to read them over and over. I've been so impressed by Beth and her incredible story. This weekend only added to my already great impression of this amazing young woman.
It was like we had always known each other, like we had known we would cross paths this way in order for us each to play the role of "angel" for the other. One not able to move forward without the help of the other. Our lives eternally intertwined, we quietly came to trust one another. My previous apprehensions and anxiety calmed in the storm of emotions that had wreaked havoc upon my heart. In 24 hours my soul felt peace...I was still.
Does that mean that there is no chance now that things may fall through? Of course not. In the end, it's her decision...but I came away feeling that peace I've come to rely on so heavily. And that boosts my faith. Faith...an epic journey in and of itself.
It was like we had always known each other, like we had known we would cross paths this way in order for us each to play the role of "angel" for the other. One not able to move forward without the help of the other. Our lives eternally intertwined, we quietly came to trust one another. My previous apprehensions and anxiety calmed in the storm of emotions that had wreaked havoc upon my heart. In 24 hours my soul felt peace...I was still.
Does that mean that there is no chance now that things may fall through? Of course not. In the end, it's her decision...but I came away feeling that peace I've come to rely on so heavily. And that boosts my faith. Faith...an epic journey in and of itself.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Update...
Okay, so I put this on our family blog and I am moving/copying it here to my DD blog because I'd like to keep this part of the journey up to date for journaling purposes. There are so many things running through my head all the time and I need to get them down before I forget them. So, for now, I'm getting this blog up to date...bear with me, faithful readers, especially if you'ver read this before! ;-)
On April 18th, 2010 I wrote:
Blessed...
I'm impressed at how observant so many of you are! You are correct. If all goes well we will be heading to Utah at the beginning of August to bring home a baby boy! We debated on whether or not to tell the world, but trying to keep it to a few people was a wash - once it got out, it exploded and spread like wildfire! ;-) We figure if for some reason things don't go as planned we'd rather have the support of our friends and family in our struggle rather than suffer in silence.
But we are hopeful and prayerful that the strong emotional pull that seems to bring both ourselves and this very special young woman together will remain and strengthen as we travel this road together.
We had our yard sale on Saturday and were successful in selling about 85-90% of our baby stuff (fortunately we kept the crib, carseat, changing table, and of course, the beautiful cradle Matt's dad made - someone would have to gun us down in a dark alley before we let THAT go!) and got the phone call from our caseworker on Wednesday morning that we had been chosen! Talk about irony!
I don't feel it's appropriate to go into a lot of detail about the birthmother on the blog, but I will say that we've been in contact with her via email and texting and hope to meet her soon. What an incredible amount of faith and courage it must take to be entrusted with such a magnificent mission. Birthmothers are some of the most amazing women on the earth.
I'm in awe of the Lord's plan and am constantly amazed at how intricately he weaves our lives together and the spirit that resides within the masterpiece. I have learned so much, yet know there is still much more to learn. I think one of the greatest lessons I've taken from this experience so far has been to enjoy life right here, right now. To be truly grateful for what my life is at this moment and to stop planning the future. I've spent so much time trying so hard to tweak my circumstances to be what I think they ought to be instead of allowing the Lord to mold my spirit and life into what He knows will give me the most joy. To breathe deeply and be teachable, allowing for experiences and discoveries about myself I might never know if I forced my own plan into action.
We still have a few months to go as this little boy is not due until August 7th. Fortunately our summer is packed with things to help distract us so our anxiety doesn't drive us crazy! We are so excited to be adding to our family and look forward to meeting this very special addition. Love you all and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted through the next few months! xoxo
On April 18th, 2010 I wrote:
Blessed...
I'm impressed at how observant so many of you are! You are correct. If all goes well we will be heading to Utah at the beginning of August to bring home a baby boy! We debated on whether or not to tell the world, but trying to keep it to a few people was a wash - once it got out, it exploded and spread like wildfire! ;-) We figure if for some reason things don't go as planned we'd rather have the support of our friends and family in our struggle rather than suffer in silence.
But we are hopeful and prayerful that the strong emotional pull that seems to bring both ourselves and this very special young woman together will remain and strengthen as we travel this road together.
We had our yard sale on Saturday and were successful in selling about 85-90% of our baby stuff (fortunately we kept the crib, carseat, changing table, and of course, the beautiful cradle Matt's dad made - someone would have to gun us down in a dark alley before we let THAT go!) and got the phone call from our caseworker on Wednesday morning that we had been chosen! Talk about irony!
I don't feel it's appropriate to go into a lot of detail about the birthmother on the blog, but I will say that we've been in contact with her via email and texting and hope to meet her soon. What an incredible amount of faith and courage it must take to be entrusted with such a magnificent mission. Birthmothers are some of the most amazing women on the earth.
I'm in awe of the Lord's plan and am constantly amazed at how intricately he weaves our lives together and the spirit that resides within the masterpiece. I have learned so much, yet know there is still much more to learn. I think one of the greatest lessons I've taken from this experience so far has been to enjoy life right here, right now. To be truly grateful for what my life is at this moment and to stop planning the future. I've spent so much time trying so hard to tweak my circumstances to be what I think they ought to be instead of allowing the Lord to mold my spirit and life into what He knows will give me the most joy. To breathe deeply and be teachable, allowing for experiences and discoveries about myself I might never know if I forced my own plan into action.
We still have a few months to go as this little boy is not due until August 7th. Fortunately our summer is packed with things to help distract us so our anxiety doesn't drive us crazy! We are so excited to be adding to our family and look forward to meeting this very special addition. Love you all and I'll be sure to keep everyone posted through the next few months! xoxo
Thursday, February 18, 2010
I AM....An Emotional Journey
In my search for anwers through this long journey of infertility and adoption I stumbled across this saying. It evoked a lot of thought and emotions as I looked back on my journey thus far and looked forward to the journey and unknown elements ahead...
(by Brenda Horrocks)
I've decided to write a little bit about my emotional journey through infertility and motherhood and the defining moments that brought me to where I am right now. I apologize for the selfishness (and length) of this post, or of any offenses that may be taken from it. I intend no ill feelings, simply a small amount of insight from someone who has been on both sides of the fence.
As I've traveled further along this road of infertility and adoption I have discovered that there seems to be (generally speaking) a serious division between those who are fertile, and those who are not. Each feeling as though they are greatly misunderstood and their experiences undervalued by the "other side", if you will. There are some who quietly take everything with a grain of salt, not wishing to feel offended by an insensitive comment, and then there are some who seem to look for any offense that may be squeezed out of the simplest of remarks. My observation of this division and the fact that I have experienced both fertility and infertility has led me to ponder what my own feelings are and whether or not I personally take a side, as I've been taught throughout my life that you cannot ride two horses with one bum.
Side 1 - Fertile Myrtle...
What an incredible gift the Lord has entrusted to women. We, alone, know the gravity of the deepest love and connection, that between mother and child. A gravity, often believed, to exist solely by blood relation and the experience of carrying a child in the womb. The immense toll pregnancy, labor, and delivery take on our bodies alone is enough to deserve eternal merit.
Some of us have endured unfathomable struggles to bring our children into the world, and perhaps, even traveled the road of infertility for a while before being blessed with a child of our own. While others have had the fortune of blinking and getting pregnant, expanding their families easily, their struggles taking other forms in their own lives.
Yet we are perceived by some as having it easy, not knowing trial or heartache because we were able to conceive and carry a child. Our struggles as mothers are often viewed as less significant because we were blessed, and we should never complain about our lives or trials and tread lightly around those whose lives were directed in another path.
The love forged between a mother and her biological child is so strong it can actually be physically measured. As a mother, I feel that pull every day. I would do anything for the safety and well-being of my child. Having experienced this phenomenon, perhaps makes me ill-qualified to be writing on behalf of those who are infertile...
Side 2 - The Empty Womb...
As women, our role, persay, is laid out for us. There are things that are inheritantly ours. We are blessed with diverse talents and destinies, but the one thing that we grow up "knowing" is that we are mothers. So, when our knowledge fails us and we discover that we cannot carry a child we can feel as though we have been robbed of a divine calling. We have to suddenly adapt our lives to fit a course that we, to our earthly knowledge thus far, have not chosen.
At first, we try everything in our power to change our circumstances. Doctors, procedures, surgeries, and medications to "fix" the problem. Miracles happen, throwing us into the rhealm that Fertile Myrtle treads, but more often than not we are carried along one of the longest, most emotional roller coasters this life has to offer.
Every month we set expectations, do everything we can to align the stars, hope with all that we have, and then plummet to the depths of despair when our dreams are dashed. And just when we start to recover we start the process again the next month. For some this process goes on for years, and for some, the roller coaster is too much. They simply throw their hands in the air, put on a strong facade, and focus their time and energy into something else worthwhile, trying not to be bitter or look back, but always feeling as though they've missed out on something that should have been theirs.
In many cases, these women turn to adoption and fostering programs, becoming great advocates for other women and their own struggles. I have met many of these great women, and though I have not completed the adoption process yet myself, their testimonies of adoption and the love between their children and themselves has inspired me beyond measure, bolstering my belief that love has no blood boundary and that gravitational pull between mother and child originates in the Spirit, not in the blood.
My Story...
I started motherhood treading the path of Fertile Myrtle. Life was just as I had expected. Things were not perfect and motherhood itself presented challenges I could never have imagined. There were, and are still times when I feel like a big, fat failure when it comes to raising my child, but motherhood is a another puzzle in and of itself, better left for another post someday.
Three years ago my roller coaster hit the track when my husband and I started trying to expand our family. When we didn't conceive right away we didn't think anything of it, things were just taking time. A few months and a miscarriage later, I started having severe abdominal pain which took me to the doctor. We discovered a couple of cysts on my ovaries, nothing alarming or unusual, but decided to take a closer look just in case. Everything looked fine. MRIs, ultrasounds, tests, and multiple examinations all suggested the same conclusion: I was fine. More than fine. I was healthy and so was my husband. We should have no trouble conceiving.
And yet, three years later, here we are. We cannot conceive a child and we have no explanation for our failure. That, I feel, makes my situation even harder for me - I like answers, even if they're not the ones I want. But "just because" doesn't bode well with me.
That monthly emotional roller coaster began it's destruction on my faith and my understanding of my divine purpose here on earth. My expectations shaken, I tried everything I could think of to bargain with the Lord, hoping that he would grant my wishes to mother another child. This went on for about a year, despair leading to doubt, doubt leading to helplessness, until one day I found myself literally wailing on my bed, having started another period. I had hit rock bottom, declaring to the my Heavenly Father that I couldn't do it anymore. I was done.
I was exhausted, watching my friends and family members have children all around me and feeling terrible that they had to walk on eggshells around me. That wasn't fair to them...it wasn't their fault. What was worse was the feeling that I had spent so much time worrying about having a child that I had in many ways neglected the one I had right in front of me. I was consumed with this need to win. To prove that I was normal. That this was not happening and we just hadn't found the right "trick" yet.
I needed to heal, whatever the outcome. I didn't have any more time to waste and I had a child who needed a sane mother, one who was focused on him, right here and now. It was at that moment that I decided to stop actively "trying" to conceive and focus my energy on something else completely, in hopes of allowing my mind and emotions a real break. My husband and I started the Body-for-Life challenge and I put everything I had into it, refusing to do anything fertility related.
It was a welcome reprieve. Even though in the back of mind I had thoughts of the weight loss challenge creating better circumstances for conception, I fought to chase them away, focusing on completing the challenge for me and for my mind. The challenge ended in April of 2009, but it was enough to clear my mind and create a chance for the Lord to enlighten me. He blessed me with very personal insight into my divine destiny, choices I'd made in the pre-existence, and the nature of this particular trial. As these revelations are sacred to me I don't feel compelled to go into detail here, but it was at this point that my husband and I went to the Bishop to talk about adoption.
Honestly? In this first meeting I was skeptical about whether or not this was the right thing for us. I felt like I was just giving up and adoption was the last thing on our list of options. Wasn't that what good LDS people were supposed to do when they couldn't have children?
I decided to look into it and take things one little step at a time, digging deep into what I really felt about it and not allowing social expectations to dictate our decision. The further I walked along the adoptive path, however, the greater my conviction that the Lord had guided us to this point. Yes, there was nothing wrong with us and our ability to have a child, but had infertility not been a part of our lives, we'd have missed stumbling upon a very important branch of our family tree; a branch we have yet to meet, but feel solidly is there. I still have moments of doubt, that perhaps we were intended all along to be a family of three. I'm okay either way.
We started the application process in April 2009 and just last month (January 2010) we were approved to be adoptive parents. It was a long, drawn out road just to be accepted and I am weary that our wait for a child may be even longer...or non-existent. I have faith that we are doing the right thing, but I've learned not to determine my own outcome. The Lord knows what will be and what will best prepare me for whatever may present itself in the future. Perhaps I am simply to go through this process for knowledge and experience, or perhaps, there is a precious child predestined to be a part of our family, but chosen to be a part of someone else's life first. My eyes are but mortal, and so I must have faith in my Father in Heaven to see the eternal picture and guide us in our placement of the puzzle pieces.
Where I Stand...
I am one of the lucky and one of the unfortunate. I am neither here nor there. I can sympathize with both sides, and still not fully understand either. I am a misfit, completely unqualified to speak on behalf of anyone but myself.
Fertility and infertility each have their own refining qualities, unique to the individual who experiences them. However, though very different the experience and the emotions involved, I believe the lessons are very similar. Each circumstance, in it's own way, teaches us patience, compassion, reliance on the Lord, humility, divine predestination, agency, and love; love for a child, love for ourselves, love for our spouses, and love for the Lord. Both roads are extremely difficult in their own right. Be compassionate towards both, as well as those who may never have the chance to discover the trials and joys of motherhood in either respect. Do not underestimate the power of the lessons learned on the road you may travel. We are women. We are divine. We are unique. We are strong.
And so I walk the fence. I ride two horses with one bum, far from expertly, but I'm holding on believing with a sincere conviction that the Lord loves me. He knows my heart. He has a plan and if I am willing, He will lead me to do His work and bless others as He has blessed me.
I've decided to write a little bit about my emotional journey through infertility and motherhood and the defining moments that brought me to where I am right now. I apologize for the selfishness (and length) of this post, or of any offenses that may be taken from it. I intend no ill feelings, simply a small amount of insight from someone who has been on both sides of the fence.
As I've traveled further along this road of infertility and adoption I have discovered that there seems to be (generally speaking) a serious division between those who are fertile, and those who are not. Each feeling as though they are greatly misunderstood and their experiences undervalued by the "other side", if you will. There are some who quietly take everything with a grain of salt, not wishing to feel offended by an insensitive comment, and then there are some who seem to look for any offense that may be squeezed out of the simplest of remarks. My observation of this division and the fact that I have experienced both fertility and infertility has led me to ponder what my own feelings are and whether or not I personally take a side, as I've been taught throughout my life that you cannot ride two horses with one bum.
Side 1 - Fertile Myrtle...
What an incredible gift the Lord has entrusted to women. We, alone, know the gravity of the deepest love and connection, that between mother and child. A gravity, often believed, to exist solely by blood relation and the experience of carrying a child in the womb. The immense toll pregnancy, labor, and delivery take on our bodies alone is enough to deserve eternal merit.
Some of us have endured unfathomable struggles to bring our children into the world, and perhaps, even traveled the road of infertility for a while before being blessed with a child of our own. While others have had the fortune of blinking and getting pregnant, expanding their families easily, their struggles taking other forms in their own lives.
Yet we are perceived by some as having it easy, not knowing trial or heartache because we were able to conceive and carry a child. Our struggles as mothers are often viewed as less significant because we were blessed, and we should never complain about our lives or trials and tread lightly around those whose lives were directed in another path.
The love forged between a mother and her biological child is so strong it can actually be physically measured. As a mother, I feel that pull every day. I would do anything for the safety and well-being of my child. Having experienced this phenomenon, perhaps makes me ill-qualified to be writing on behalf of those who are infertile...
Side 2 - The Empty Womb...
As women, our role, persay, is laid out for us. There are things that are inheritantly ours. We are blessed with diverse talents and destinies, but the one thing that we grow up "knowing" is that we are mothers. So, when our knowledge fails us and we discover that we cannot carry a child we can feel as though we have been robbed of a divine calling. We have to suddenly adapt our lives to fit a course that we, to our earthly knowledge thus far, have not chosen.
At first, we try everything in our power to change our circumstances. Doctors, procedures, surgeries, and medications to "fix" the problem. Miracles happen, throwing us into the rhealm that Fertile Myrtle treads, but more often than not we are carried along one of the longest, most emotional roller coasters this life has to offer.
Every month we set expectations, do everything we can to align the stars, hope with all that we have, and then plummet to the depths of despair when our dreams are dashed. And just when we start to recover we start the process again the next month. For some this process goes on for years, and for some, the roller coaster is too much. They simply throw their hands in the air, put on a strong facade, and focus their time and energy into something else worthwhile, trying not to be bitter or look back, but always feeling as though they've missed out on something that should have been theirs.
In many cases, these women turn to adoption and fostering programs, becoming great advocates for other women and their own struggles. I have met many of these great women, and though I have not completed the adoption process yet myself, their testimonies of adoption and the love between their children and themselves has inspired me beyond measure, bolstering my belief that love has no blood boundary and that gravitational pull between mother and child originates in the Spirit, not in the blood.
My Story...
I started motherhood treading the path of Fertile Myrtle. Life was just as I had expected. Things were not perfect and motherhood itself presented challenges I could never have imagined. There were, and are still times when I feel like a big, fat failure when it comes to raising my child, but motherhood is a another puzzle in and of itself, better left for another post someday.
Three years ago my roller coaster hit the track when my husband and I started trying to expand our family. When we didn't conceive right away we didn't think anything of it, things were just taking time. A few months and a miscarriage later, I started having severe abdominal pain which took me to the doctor. We discovered a couple of cysts on my ovaries, nothing alarming or unusual, but decided to take a closer look just in case. Everything looked fine. MRIs, ultrasounds, tests, and multiple examinations all suggested the same conclusion: I was fine. More than fine. I was healthy and so was my husband. We should have no trouble conceiving.
And yet, three years later, here we are. We cannot conceive a child and we have no explanation for our failure. That, I feel, makes my situation even harder for me - I like answers, even if they're not the ones I want. But "just because" doesn't bode well with me.
That monthly emotional roller coaster began it's destruction on my faith and my understanding of my divine purpose here on earth. My expectations shaken, I tried everything I could think of to bargain with the Lord, hoping that he would grant my wishes to mother another child. This went on for about a year, despair leading to doubt, doubt leading to helplessness, until one day I found myself literally wailing on my bed, having started another period. I had hit rock bottom, declaring to the my Heavenly Father that I couldn't do it anymore. I was done.
I was exhausted, watching my friends and family members have children all around me and feeling terrible that they had to walk on eggshells around me. That wasn't fair to them...it wasn't their fault. What was worse was the feeling that I had spent so much time worrying about having a child that I had in many ways neglected the one I had right in front of me. I was consumed with this need to win. To prove that I was normal. That this was not happening and we just hadn't found the right "trick" yet.
I needed to heal, whatever the outcome. I didn't have any more time to waste and I had a child who needed a sane mother, one who was focused on him, right here and now. It was at that moment that I decided to stop actively "trying" to conceive and focus my energy on something else completely, in hopes of allowing my mind and emotions a real break. My husband and I started the Body-for-Life challenge and I put everything I had into it, refusing to do anything fertility related.
It was a welcome reprieve. Even though in the back of mind I had thoughts of the weight loss challenge creating better circumstances for conception, I fought to chase them away, focusing on completing the challenge for me and for my mind. The challenge ended in April of 2009, but it was enough to clear my mind and create a chance for the Lord to enlighten me. He blessed me with very personal insight into my divine destiny, choices I'd made in the pre-existence, and the nature of this particular trial. As these revelations are sacred to me I don't feel compelled to go into detail here, but it was at this point that my husband and I went to the Bishop to talk about adoption.
Honestly? In this first meeting I was skeptical about whether or not this was the right thing for us. I felt like I was just giving up and adoption was the last thing on our list of options. Wasn't that what good LDS people were supposed to do when they couldn't have children?
I decided to look into it and take things one little step at a time, digging deep into what I really felt about it and not allowing social expectations to dictate our decision. The further I walked along the adoptive path, however, the greater my conviction that the Lord had guided us to this point. Yes, there was nothing wrong with us and our ability to have a child, but had infertility not been a part of our lives, we'd have missed stumbling upon a very important branch of our family tree; a branch we have yet to meet, but feel solidly is there. I still have moments of doubt, that perhaps we were intended all along to be a family of three. I'm okay either way.
We started the application process in April 2009 and just last month (January 2010) we were approved to be adoptive parents. It was a long, drawn out road just to be accepted and I am weary that our wait for a child may be even longer...or non-existent. I have faith that we are doing the right thing, but I've learned not to determine my own outcome. The Lord knows what will be and what will best prepare me for whatever may present itself in the future. Perhaps I am simply to go through this process for knowledge and experience, or perhaps, there is a precious child predestined to be a part of our family, but chosen to be a part of someone else's life first. My eyes are but mortal, and so I must have faith in my Father in Heaven to see the eternal picture and guide us in our placement of the puzzle pieces.
Where I Stand...
I am one of the lucky and one of the unfortunate. I am neither here nor there. I can sympathize with both sides, and still not fully understand either. I am a misfit, completely unqualified to speak on behalf of anyone but myself.
Fertility and infertility each have their own refining qualities, unique to the individual who experiences them. However, though very different the experience and the emotions involved, I believe the lessons are very similar. Each circumstance, in it's own way, teaches us patience, compassion, reliance on the Lord, humility, divine predestination, agency, and love; love for a child, love for ourselves, love for our spouses, and love for the Lord. Both roads are extremely difficult in their own right. Be compassionate towards both, as well as those who may never have the chance to discover the trials and joys of motherhood in either respect. Do not underestimate the power of the lessons learned on the road you may travel. We are women. We are divine. We are unique. We are strong.
And so I walk the fence. I ride two horses with one bum, far from expertly, but I'm holding on believing with a sincere conviction that the Lord loves me. He knows my heart. He has a plan and if I am willing, He will lead me to do His work and bless others as He has blessed me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Okay. I can quit whining.
Wahoo! It's finally up! Here's the link just in case I have yet to spam your inbox! ;-)
https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23184693/ourMessage.jsf
https://itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23184693/ourMessage.jsf
Monday, January 25, 2010
Approved! So why am I still waiting??
We finally got our approval Tuesday night (the 19th) and I came home totally elated. Finally we were going to be able to hit the ground running, spamming the world with our profile and finding that missing piece of our family.
But, alas, here I sit. Waiting. Again. I am, by nature, an impatient person anyways, so asking me to wait even a few extra days after I've been waiting for 8 months is like asking a hungry bear to hold his fish for a few days before eating them. Not pretty.
Now what's the delay, you ask? Just waiting for someone on the other end to click a mouse and publish our profile. That's it. I understand that they have a very busy office, a huge case load, and not a lot of poeple to spare, but I've BEEN understanding for quite a while. I'm going crazy here!
So, for those few of you who actually read this (it may just be Mel, by now <3) please pray today that someone will click that little mouse...I've got to start moving forward. This stagnancy is making me insane. and having just written that, I guess therein lies the lesson: Despite my circumstances, I cannot sit around waiting for other people or my stars to align...I just have to keep moving forward.
Okay, okay. I get it. Stupid lessons......
But, alas, here I sit. Waiting. Again. I am, by nature, an impatient person anyways, so asking me to wait even a few extra days after I've been waiting for 8 months is like asking a hungry bear to hold his fish for a few days before eating them. Not pretty.
Now what's the delay, you ask? Just waiting for someone on the other end to click a mouse and publish our profile. That's it. I understand that they have a very busy office, a huge case load, and not a lot of poeple to spare, but I've BEEN understanding for quite a while. I'm going crazy here!
So, for those few of you who actually read this (it may just be Mel, by now <3) please pray today that someone will click that little mouse...I've got to start moving forward. This stagnancy is making me insane. and having just written that, I guess therein lies the lesson: Despite my circumstances, I cannot sit around waiting for other people or my stars to align...I just have to keep moving forward.
Okay, okay. I get it. Stupid lessons......
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