Fears...

The last of our paperwork has been turned in. Now we wait for that final approval. It's always a joy spending months digging intimately into our lives; our relationships, our parenting styles, our histories, our past traumas and heartaches, our current heartaches, our families - immediate and extended, our marriage, our personalities and weaknesses, our ability to love and be open, etc, etc...only to have it placed under a microscope, studied, and analyzed by people we don't really know...and who don't really know us. And then wait for them to tell us whether or not we are fit to parent a child.


There have been many times during this process that I have thought to myself (and sometimes out loud!), "Every person should have to go through this process before they are ever allowed to have sex...much less conceive a child." What a different approach to parenting some "less-worthy-in-my-mind" people might take when it comes to the well-being and responsibility of their children. Every day I am more and more aware of what a miracle Chase is and how blessed I am to have him in my life. He truly is a giant ray of sunshine not only to me, but everyone around him.


Because I have such strong emotions when it comes to my son, as mothers naturally do, I wonder and worry sometimes that I may never feel that urgency of emotion toward another child. I've heard it said many times that mothers often worry about having enough love for all of their children, and that when that second child enters their lives thier love just seems to grow, rather than stretch. They comment that they were worried for nothing and that they feel just as strongly about each of their children.

But, human as I am, I wonder if that will happen for me. It's a bit of a different situation. Will I feel that same magnetic pull toward an adopted child as I do toward Chase or is that feeling different because we are tied by blood? Of course I will love an adopted child - and I expect from others' experiences that that bond may be immediate or it may take time - though either way it will happen. But having had the experience of carrying a child and all that entails/creates I worry that even as level-headed and aware as I can be, that unintentionally I may favor Chase over another child.


I'm aware that this is a common fear and that people get past it and look back at it and laugh...and I'm sure someday that will be me as well. But as all things are, especially this process, it is a journey. And like any journey we make, it isn't point A or point B that defines us...it's all the steps in between.