Rules of Engagement...

This week Matt and I were happy to receive the news that some of our loved ones (won't divulge names in case it's not public info yet!) are expecting new arrivals in their families. We couldn't be more happy for them both...and I hope they don't mind me using them as material for this post, as it is intended to shed a positive light on certain subjects rather than offer offenses...so bear with me...

One of the phone calls we received this afternoon was from someone we'll call Jane. ;-) After the phone call I received an email from Jane offering an apology for having to tell us about it, but feeling the news should come from her. I was saddened at this email because I know that Jane, too, has struggled in conceiving their second child and this should be such a happy occasion, not something that needed to be apologized for! I called her and we talked and all is well, but it got me thinking. This is not the first time that something similar has happened.

Here is an interesting tidbit of info: in the two and a half years that Matt and I have been trying to conceive our second child almost all (I can only think of one exception right off the top of my head) of our close married friends (and I'd like to think we're fairly popular - tee hee) have either had or announced the arrival of a new baby...some of them have even had 2...and some 4 (ANN!)! Anyways - my point is, life doesn't stop just because WE'RE not getting anywhere in that department!

This blog is meant to be honest and open, so I'm not going to paint some perfect little picture in which I'm the happy little girl who's never bothered by anything and never thinks ill of people or circumstances, etc, etc...I'm human...almost too human some days! There are days in which it hurts immensely to see people take for granted how easily they can become pregnant, or not realize the amazing gift they have sitting before them in the form of a child. But I'm learning more and more that for every one of those people that take their blessings for granted there are just as many that are struggling the same as we are...and many of them are people I know and love deeply.

There are some people that affix "rules" when conversing with those struggling with fertility, suggesting that you avoid certain topics or not discuss your everyday struggles with your own children. I could see where that neccessity might seem important to some, and each case is different, or that it is a more compassionate approach, but I disagree. All that does is suggest that we are so emotionally unstable that we need the crutch of avoided conversations and pity and that our problems are more important than yours. We are all struggling with something in our lives, let's be real. And by victimizing myself and wallowing in my struggle I'm not helping myself or being the friend I know I am.

Is it hard to talk about? Sometimes, though it's getting easier everyday with practice - I'm happy to share what I'm learning and how I feel about it all. It's therapeutic for me and it just might help someone else...and I'm learning so much more from other people who have been through the same thing. Being sensitive to a conversation doesn't mean you have to avoid it. Is it hard to watch people getting pregnant around me? Sure - some are easier to be happy for than others ;-) - but life continues forward and it doesn't do anyone any good to be angry about it, least of all me, so I've discovered.

Some might suggest that I have a great attitude toward all of this, but I can assure you it wasn't always the case...and even now some days are tough to get through. There was a day, clearly remembered, at which I reached my breaking point. All of the pieces of the puzzle were there, I just couldn't figure out which way they were supposed to fit together. But sometimes you have to hit your breaking point before you can trust that by taking only one piece at a time the Master will guide your hand and put that piece right where it belongs. And finally having seen that element to this challenge I have peace.

Peace - it's what I'm going off of. Each decision, each step forward, no matter how against my "plan" or "timeline" it may seem now, if it's accompanied by that same peace I felt after that tearful breaking point, then it's okay. As I told Jane this evening, I feel now very strongly that each of us has a divine purpose in this life and it is often accompanied by specific moments that we need to be a part of. We are literally meant to cross each others' paths in this life to aid, to teach, or to comfort each other whether we are aware of our influence or not. And I feel that this next child is ultimately destined to be a part of our family, but the Lord has asked them to be a part of someone else's life first.

So - for those of you that have felt, do feel, or may feel in the future, like Jane, worried about hurting us or making us feel bad with your good news, please, there is no need. Yes, it can be emotional (but remember who you are talking to - I still cry at Sylvan Learning Center commercials!), but it does not mean that we are not thrilled for you, nor do we EVER want to diminish your joy by adding worry or guilt. We love you all and we are confident that we are on the right path for us. I am quite comfortable with our decision and the road that accompanies it. We are happy and excited for the future. And we are happy for you, too!